Post by glamorousgnome on Apr 3, 2008 18:09:08 GMT -8
ooc: just a quick note- this is very weird, i wrote it just now. its sort of random, just a characters way of thinking. shes in that thinking state when youre between awake and sleeping.
Five o’ clock.
I rolled over and fell back asleep, pulling the covers over my head to block away the sun that still crept through the curtains. The sun depressed me, mocked me and called me lazy, and even the thick black covers on the windows could not hold its tongue.
Six thirty four.
And I felt his lips on my chin, his body crushing against mine. The subconscious world pressed against my brain, and I struggled gently against him and the nonsensical, weary thoughts that still dreamt of overtaking me in my lethargic state.
The end of sunset- I could just make out the red-orange light shooting out in a border from the curtains. I could see his shadowy features and his fearless eyes, and I let him kiss me with longing. Why couldn’t I be fearless, too?
Ohhhhhh, fearless like the sun who dies each night and never once complains. Does it ever wonder when it hangs high over the noontime world what awaits it beyond the horizon?
Because I die once in a lifetime- and the thought of it steals away any courage I can muster.
I love him.
And I feel guilty, because when his eyes play with mine in times like now I think of when I stare at my own eyes in the mirror. I make promise then, but I don’t keep promises to myself. Can I keep a promise I make to him?
Can I keep a promise at all?
Forever?
What if there is no forever?
Then I see my brother’s eyes. The faraway, waxy expression in his eyes, and I collect teardrops on my eyelids like shells in my arms at the beach. I drop them all from my arms, one by one, and the sea runs down my face-
“Marry me.”
I don’t understand. I don’t understand why he died. Those eyes, I will never forget them. I gazed into the casket and wrapped my fingers around his own, and I sobbed because I didn’t believe the reverend really knew the answer when I asked if I would ever see him again someday. He said turn to God but I don’t know. I don’t know.
I think about the question and I see fire and steel and ash and I just don’t know.
“I can’t marry you.”
I pledge allegiance-
“Why can’t you marry me?” Soft words as his breath quivered against my shoulder, and I my bones shuddered in a sob. “Huh? Why not?”
Because I don’t want to lose you. It’s bound to happen. It happened to my big brother, the invincible one who no one could beat on the basketball court or in the office or giving bear hugs. I don’t have the courage to lose you-
“Marry me?” he asked again when he heard no answer. A sadness traced the outline of his voice and held it as if on a tight rope between our lips. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me.
Just three months ago, I woke up on an average day to turn on the evening news and find my brother’s building falling to pieces. I remember how the coffee scalding my hands, burned my legs when the mug cracked and splattered across the kitchen floor. I didn’t even see the second plane hit because I’d already curled up on the ground in grief-
“Do you love me?”
I thought about the old woman who lived the next apartment over who kept her wedding ring tight on her finger and after forty years still wept her heart out when she thought no one could hear her.
“Yes.”
“Then marry me.”
A tear drops slithered from my face to his and his nails dragged lightly, delicately along my spine. Pressing his body closer to my own, he whispered his request into my ear. It tickled and blew the little curls around my ear like a soft, humid breeze.
I thought for a moment- many thoughts condensed into this one, solid, single moment. Maybe the world stopped time to let me remember days since I was a little girl, when I cried and my mama pulled me against her. Or when I fell down a flight of stairs and my daddy carried me all the way home. Or when I was in high school and my brother’s first love left him, so we just sat in the grass and I squeezed his hand until he smiled. Or when my best friend went to college in another state, and she cried, but all our friends through a huge party and hugged her until she got on the plane to leave. I like the feeling when flowers tickle my nose, and raindrops massage deep into my skin-
When I asked for comfort from the horrors in my life, the minister turned to me and said ‘turn to God’.
“Ok. I will.”
It was worth a try.
Five o’ clock.
I rolled over and fell back asleep, pulling the covers over my head to block away the sun that still crept through the curtains. The sun depressed me, mocked me and called me lazy, and even the thick black covers on the windows could not hold its tongue.
Six thirty four.
And I felt his lips on my chin, his body crushing against mine. The subconscious world pressed against my brain, and I struggled gently against him and the nonsensical, weary thoughts that still dreamt of overtaking me in my lethargic state.
The end of sunset- I could just make out the red-orange light shooting out in a border from the curtains. I could see his shadowy features and his fearless eyes, and I let him kiss me with longing. Why couldn’t I be fearless, too?
Ohhhhhh, fearless like the sun who dies each night and never once complains. Does it ever wonder when it hangs high over the noontime world what awaits it beyond the horizon?
Because I die once in a lifetime- and the thought of it steals away any courage I can muster.
I love him.
And I feel guilty, because when his eyes play with mine in times like now I think of when I stare at my own eyes in the mirror. I make promise then, but I don’t keep promises to myself. Can I keep a promise I make to him?
Can I keep a promise at all?
Forever?
What if there is no forever?
Then I see my brother’s eyes. The faraway, waxy expression in his eyes, and I collect teardrops on my eyelids like shells in my arms at the beach. I drop them all from my arms, one by one, and the sea runs down my face-
“Marry me.”
I don’t understand. I don’t understand why he died. Those eyes, I will never forget them. I gazed into the casket and wrapped my fingers around his own, and I sobbed because I didn’t believe the reverend really knew the answer when I asked if I would ever see him again someday. He said turn to God but I don’t know. I don’t know.
I think about the question and I see fire and steel and ash and I just don’t know.
“I can’t marry you.”
I pledge allegiance-
“Why can’t you marry me?” Soft words as his breath quivered against my shoulder, and I my bones shuddered in a sob. “Huh? Why not?”
Because I don’t want to lose you. It’s bound to happen. It happened to my big brother, the invincible one who no one could beat on the basketball court or in the office or giving bear hugs. I don’t have the courage to lose you-
“Marry me?” he asked again when he heard no answer. A sadness traced the outline of his voice and held it as if on a tight rope between our lips. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me.
Just three months ago, I woke up on an average day to turn on the evening news and find my brother’s building falling to pieces. I remember how the coffee scalding my hands, burned my legs when the mug cracked and splattered across the kitchen floor. I didn’t even see the second plane hit because I’d already curled up on the ground in grief-
“Do you love me?”
I thought about the old woman who lived the next apartment over who kept her wedding ring tight on her finger and after forty years still wept her heart out when she thought no one could hear her.
“Yes.”
“Then marry me.”
A tear drops slithered from my face to his and his nails dragged lightly, delicately along my spine. Pressing his body closer to my own, he whispered his request into my ear. It tickled and blew the little curls around my ear like a soft, humid breeze.
I thought for a moment- many thoughts condensed into this one, solid, single moment. Maybe the world stopped time to let me remember days since I was a little girl, when I cried and my mama pulled me against her. Or when I fell down a flight of stairs and my daddy carried me all the way home. Or when I was in high school and my brother’s first love left him, so we just sat in the grass and I squeezed his hand until he smiled. Or when my best friend went to college in another state, and she cried, but all our friends through a huge party and hugged her until she got on the plane to leave. I like the feeling when flowers tickle my nose, and raindrops massage deep into my skin-
When I asked for comfort from the horrors in my life, the minister turned to me and said ‘turn to God’.
“Ok. I will.”
It was worth a try.