Andrew Baron
In Character
Professional Manwhore
69%
The Hat is On...But That's About It...
Posts: 104
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Post by Andrew Baron on Nov 24, 2007 14:01:46 GMT -8
Bright and early this morning.
A beautiful woman lies on my sheets, one hand delicately curled about a lock of her brunette hair, the other gripping the feather pillow with dreamy unconcious glimmers in her face.
And here I am sitting here, writing you, my adoring readers-
the reasons why I ran like hell.
At ten o'clock last night at a rather sophisticated party (shhh....of course it was sophisticated- my parties are always sophisticated) I came across a lovely young woman dancing near the bar. Bright eyed, quivering hips, and she could tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. *shiver*
But anyway, that is BESIDES the point.
I'm spellbound, like any other man would be, and I take her out to my Porsche and well....you know the rest. I'm Andrew Baron. Great sex. GREAT SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wow
That was just...
Sorry. So We leave the bar, we leave her friends, she puts on classical music (what a classy woman) and we go back to my apartment and have more great sex.
So we both fall asleep afterward, and I wake up around three in the morning to find that there is no one next to me.
So I wait, she comes back, she pounces on me.
More great sex.
Five o'clock. A similar situation, only this time, she...she uh....we won't go there.
But at seven o'clock, just when i'm so worn out i can't even open my eyes, I feel that she's gone again.
I wait about twenty minutes. She hasn't returned. I'm puzzled.
So I rise from my bed, search about the house, and suddenly I begin to realize something.
She is gone. So is my Ipod. So is my laptop. So are my car keys.... The plasma tv. My old antique hat. And the fucking Porsche.
So basically-
my loveline advice for today is
I JUST GOT FUCKING SCREWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
so...in order to ARM YOURSELVES AGAINST POTENTIAL THIEVES stupid bitch
remove all electronics from the room, hide your carkeys, hide your cell phone, nothing should remain in your apartment- NOT EVEN CLOTHES. I tell you, I got screwed so badly today............
Fuck this.
I'm going to HER apartment next time.
(*shifty eyes* no...I-I'm not...seeing...the same...girl again................)
I tell you. GREAT SEX
Sincerely,
Andrew Antony Baron, addicted and broke
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Post by Desperate on Nov 24, 2007 15:31:16 GMT -8
Dear Andrew,
I have been having problems with getting my lady-friend in the bedroom lately. What do you that gets all the ladies hot and heavy and sprinting to your bed?
Yours Truly, Needa Sum Lovin'
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Andrew Baron
In Character
Professional Manwhore
69%
The Hat is On...But That's About It...
Posts: 104
|
Post by Andrew Baron on Nov 25, 2007 17:17:10 GMT -8
Dear Needa Sum Lovin-
First off Needa Sum Lovin, learn to spell. Literate in words makes you literate in bed.
Fortunately you have asked a question in my area of expertise.
My good sir, you may be attractive, you may be rich, you may be charming- but it's all about the confidence.
Let's face it, women aren't as judgemental as you think they are. In fact, they're always at least THREE TIMES as judgemental as you think they are. And they know how vulnerable that makes you.
For example- when I was a young man, I lacked some of the confidence that I have now. Throughout a beautifully fancy dinner, I rapped my fork against my plate. Irritable, really. I drummed my fingers on my legs, on the tabletop, on the wine glasses. I even spilled water over the bread bow. As we left the restaurant, I somehow managed to knock over a waitor with a tray. We went back to my apartment (the woman, not the waitor), I began to undress and she laughed at me. Coming closer, with a hand pressing into my thigh, she said, "You silly boy, perhaps if you practiced you wouldn't be so clumsy. I'm not interested in a man who misses the mark." My face lost all color and I turned away from her, a humiliated knot forming in my throat.
But if I had confidence that night, she would have been unable to resist me.
Maybe that's my secret- confidence. A charming smile, a gluttonous wallet, and marbled muscles- yes, but so lonely without confidence.
Sir, if you're having trouble with confidence, here's a bit of advice:
-Don't practice lines in the mirror. Don't. You sond ridiculous and you grow twelve times as nervous. Chances are your mirror won't react like a woman will- at least my doesn't- and you'll simply waste time that could be spent on combing your hair.
Do comb your hair. Don't be like Adrien. Some women find the unkempt look to be sexy, but I will tell you one thing- the duchess damn well won't. Any woman of propriety will find it tantalizing, yes, but not quite seductive enough.
You should not become unkempt until after you have laid together, and that is for dramatic affect.
KNOW YOUR WOMAN. I know it's a one night stand, but listen to me on this one. Keep track of her every move out of the corner of your eye. Make note of everything .Even the simplest gestures can show you which moves she would later prefer.
For example, a woman who gingerly traces the stem of her wine glass will most certainly want to most gingerly trace some other endowment.
And a woman who absentmindedly runs her finger around and around the rim of her glass will be patient, play hard to get, and you must immediately go for the kill.
Take stock of what she's wearing- Tight corset means she's superficial or obsessed with her looks. Loose corset means she honestly didn't care enough to stop breathing for you. Average corset- go for that...just enough to know that she cares but isn't going to let you find out.
Remember, tight corsets are harder to get off for several reasons- 1) the strings are tightly drawn and knotted 2) she might play coy 3) she might be a bitch
Oh NO! I've FORGOTTEN!!!
21st century women do not wear corsets...
In that case... I suppose you can tell by shirts or jackets or something. But you're missing out... Tracing hands up and down the trail of thread....
Ahem.
-Clean house before she comes. I know it sounds dull and unmanly, but it has to be done. If she shows up and you have to shove left over Chinese food off the bed than she's turned off.
-Tell no one that you're home- turn off the cell- unplug the phonef rom the wall if you have to Let her know that this time is set aside COMPLETELY for her (and for you) but let her think its for her.
-No pictures of exgirlfriends...turnoff.
-Put on some soothing music, that matches whatever mood you're trying to create. Don't put on Celine Dion (never appropriate- girls really DON'T like it. Whoever told you that rumor is your enemy) or Rob Zombie if you're looking for the Paris feel. You get the point. Exotic feeling- maybe foreign music, hire Adrien on the violin, something like that Anything in French is a turn on. Anything in German is a turn off (just kidding) But I can tell you PigLatin is a no go.
Dim the lights, light some candles (if you promise not to knock them over), use protection...
did i mention park the Porsche out front?
No shaking, no humming, no knocking over wineglasses- you know, have confidence.
Deliver a few funny lines, a few sexy lines, a few tender lines...
I promise- you won't fail.
A few last tips (if any of these are registering to you)-
1) now's the time to dig out the old shakespeare lines 2) now's NOT the time to dig out baby pictures, any talk of family whatsoever 3) now IS the time to kick your shoes off, tone up your culinary skills, and pull pack the sheets.
whatever you do, always do it with a smile. It's the most intimidating move you can ever pull- to never be daunted.
Your confidence will outwit even the cleverest of girls.
Sincerely, Andrew Baron the man who has outwitted the cleverest of girls
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Post by Her Royal Highness on Nov 25, 2007 19:54:44 GMT -8
holy fucking SHIT.
that was truely GLORIOUS!!!
RobZombie during sex? HELL YES!
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!
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Post by lions_go_rawr on Nov 25, 2007 22:10:00 GMT -8
Tobias: Wow, Adrien has resorted to asking Andrew for love advice. And with such a corny pen name. Shame shame.
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Post by Sera on Nov 26, 2007 12:25:35 GMT -8
candles, Andrew?
...
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Post by brentjoyce on Nov 27, 2007 11:43:56 GMT -8
Shawn: So i have this problem, There is this person I really like. But, i don't know how to approach what do you think would be the best way to go about this dilemma?
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Post by Her Royal Highness on Dec 12, 2007 15:21:55 GMT -8
holy fuck. just stop. now. PLEEEASE.
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Post by brentjoyce on Aug 21, 2008 6:30:37 GMT -8
you never did answer Shawn's question
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